The cucumber the pickle and the penis

The cucumber the pickle and the penis
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber said: 'Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad'. So the pickle looks at him and says: 'You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar'. The penis glared at them both and said: 'You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out'."
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# Posted on Wednesday, 29 August 2007 at 1:09 PM

Funny Math

Funny Math
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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# Posted on Wednesday, 29 August 2007 at 8:52 AM

*"The Obedient Wife"*

*"The Obedient Wife"*
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with > him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

# Posted on Wednesday, 29 August 2007 at 8:36 AM

Edited on Wednesday, 29 August 2007 at 8:56 AM

Funny Stuff

Funny Stuff
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.
==========================================
Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
=========================================
Boy 1: Why did you run away from the naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will
turn to stone, and a part of me was already getting hard!!
==========================================
Three guys were introduced to a girl:
Hi, I'm Peter not a saint.
I'm Paul not a Pope.
I'm John not a Baptist..
The girl replied: Hi! I'm Mary not a virgin.
==========================================
OLD MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I
can even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.
==========================================
Two employees were caught naked and having sex in the office by
the guard.
GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules!
MAN: What rule?
GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.
==========================================
Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology. If he
looks like the neighbors, that's sociology.
==========================================
Define Impotence?
Nature's way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS"
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# Posted on Tuesday, 28 August 2007 at 11:47 AM